My home state’s governor, Scott Walker, is making his big announcement today (brought to you by Koch Industries) and so the Republican Party’s self-described “embarrassment of riches” has grown one candidate larger.
I’m not usually one to follow fashion trends or jump on bandwagons, but I am seriously thinking of running for president of the United States - and as a Republican. I realize I have no chance of ever getting the nomination, much less the job - which I dont want anyway - but I seem to have those things in common with most of the current pack of contenders. From what I can tell, it is not necessary to have serious ambitions – or ideas for that matter. The only two prerequisites are an exploratory committee (and I hereby declare mine to be the world of blog.de) and a billionaire who will bankroll my run. I just need to find one with a pet peeve not yet spoken to - how hard could that be? I could then spend the next year traveling all over the United States at someone else’s expense. I am thinking of making my announcement at Yosemite, because I have never been there and always wanted to see it. Then it is off to Iowa where I will declare my love for genetically modified corn-on-the-cob and promise them the one thing that state really needs most: a couple of hills. Next it’s on to South Carolina where I will introduce my Cash-for-Flagpoles program. I’ll skip New Hampshire because I don’t know anything about that state.
Here’s my platform so far (Note: this is work-in-progress):
1) Promise to put all my adversaries in the Cabinet (- for instance, I’m thinking Donald Trump for Secretary of State, Scott Walker for Secretary of Labor, and Mike Huckabee – or maybe Sarah Palin? – for Secretary of Education . . . You get the picture.)
2) Repeal and replace Obamacare (by outsourcing it to the Austrian government.)
3) Sue Congress for breach of promise (based on their failure to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, promote the general welfare, or secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.)
4) Whatever my billionaire wants.
So, if anyone wants to join in and contribute, I am now accepting checks. Please write them out to ”Circumstance PAC” for the time being. I’ll just hold on to them until I get that part worked out. Thanks for your support and remember, together, we can ”Make ’great’ American again!” (I’m still working on the slogan too.)