In Dire Need of Chocolate

I’m not going to sugarcoat it – Spring this year really sucked. First it took its sweet time and then came the weird yellowish sandy winds, followed by badly timed cold snaps, followed by weeklong deluges, etc. etc. But as Lyart pointed out – “Bam!” – yesterday Spring pivoted in the way presumptive Trump still hasn’t. It is gorgeous out there. And just in time for the four day weekend.

Unfortunately it has been gorgeous out there without me. I am stuck at the laptop editing a really badly (!) written, 140 page book on the topic of . . . (yawn) .  . . Compliance Management Systems.  Here’s a little sample:

The planning phase utilizes the compliance risks from the compliance risk assessment to further refine and identify the compliance risks that would have a direct impact on the successful implementation of the compliance management system.

Yes, that is very true. But then again, who gives a shit?

This is going to be another one of those books where I can say with certainty that I will be the only person on the planet who has read it from cover to cover. (See “Editing the Weekend”)

I am currently on page 40.

Any minute now I am going to start to cry.

(later – noonish)

I find I need to take a break every 20 pages or so to maintain my sanity concentration. Last time I took a quick peak at my WordPress Reader and saw all the posts I would so much rather be reading. That’s how I knew about Lyart’s bam.  I really should be deducting these 10 minute breaks from my timesheet. Remind me to do that, will ya?

heh heh heh

This book has multiple authors which is a pain in the butt. It is all over the place in terms of writing style (and skill), level of formality, punctuation, formatting, not to mention the mash-up of British and American spelling  and incessant word repetitions . . . I have never been sent a manuscript from this publisher that was SOOO not ready for the presses! Feel like throwing it back at them. Literally.

(later – afternoonish)

Page 70 now.

During this break I watched an MSNBC video which, in turn, led me to the website “isidewith.com”. Was surprised by my results. Apparently, I side with Ted Cruz 7% of the time. That percentage seems a little high to me.

i side with

(even later)

I wonder if Trump’s company has a Code of Conduct and a Compliance Management System?

(later still)

Page 92.

It’s now dinner time. I just revised my original plan to finish this thing today.

In the chapter I am doing now, each section begins with a bad paraphrase of some ISO Compliance guidelines. This is followed up by a “commentary” which ends up being just another badly written re-paraphrasing of the paraphrase. I started pelting Dog Four with peanuts. Just for the fun of it. Then I scoured all of the kitchen cabinets looking for anything, ANYTHING! with chocolate in it. The box of cookies I bought yesterday for this occasion is empty and I’m not the one who ate them. If that’s not grounds for divorce, I don’t know what is.

(later – eveningish, sunsetty)

I suddenly started wondering just how many times I have read the word “compliance” today – so I did a quick search. It appears 1183 times in the book – so almost 10 times per page. “Organization” is only used 633 times and “management” a laughable 516 times. No wonder it feels like I’ve been reading the same paragraph over and over again for the past 9 hours.

I miss you guys so much.

(later)

Page numbers have just gone to three digits! That gives me a little mental boost, actually. But I fear it won’t last long. At some point, you realize that you really are reading the same sentence over and over again and still don’t understand it. Pretty soon I’ll just have to pack it in and call it a day.

I am now reassessing my own organization and time management skills as well as the risks of my potential noncompliance in meeting Monday’s deadline.

(latest)

Neat. And make it a double.

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12 thoughts on “In Dire Need of Chocolate

  1. I edited a book for a friend. It was written by multiple authors. It was the most outlandish and difficult thing I have ever done. I had to be kind. I resolved never to do that again unless someone pays me lots of money! So sorry you lost a great day to be outdoors.

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  2. Whatever you are reading sounds like it would be good for kindling a fire in your fireplace. But that wouldn’t be very compliant, now would it? I used to hate meetings that sounded like the same mumbo-jumbo for two hours 🙂

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  3. oh, poor thing. that sounds so tedious, that I can’t fathom doing it at all. But the speed with which you zoom through it is amazing. what a professional you are. and I was just bragging about my day out in the sun yesterday, while you were stuck inside on the one day, spring happened. MAy there is one good thing about self-repeating phrasings: goes faster to translate. Hope you got it all done in time. and please charge them damages for pain and suffering on top of regular fees, will you?

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    1. Alison, I love hearing from you! You should probably stop being so nice, though – I’m getting a big head.
      Seriously, I feel bad that my blog vacation coincided exactly with your reappearance here on WP. I am really looking forward to catching up on what you have posted in the past weeks. Could it be that you will now be writing even when you aren’t in Paris or Italy? I’d love that!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wish I had an anonymous blog now. I have so much “family” material but I would get slaughtered if I did a “tell all”. But thanks for the kindness. I do love writing as a creative outlet.

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